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I was born and raised as a Latter-day
Saint – a “Mormon.” My family goes back to the early days
of the LDS church. I have relatives who lost their homes
and all they had more than once because of mob attacks.
Some came across the plains and went through untold
hardships as they came, as well as after their arrival in
Salt Lake City. Some had barely settled in when Brigham
Young called them to go south and settle Rockville,
Hurricane, and St. George, Utah. All had a genuine belief
in their leaders and willingly gave their all for the cause
of the LDS church.
I think about these people a lot, and
realize that I too was one who would have willingly given
everything I had if the prophet had called for it. It's
called blind faith and almost every Mormon who is faithful
has this kind of faith, although they will never admit to it
or maybe don't realize it. My goal in sharing this testimony
is to help others see the foolishness of this blind faith,
and hopefully help a few to think outside of the box of
Mormonism and finally see the truth. Here is my story.
I was raised in Alpine Utah, the
youngest of five children. Alpine was small then, and
everyone was LDS. We had two wards (congregations), and
everyone in town knew each other. All of our activities
revolved around the church. Sundays we attended Sunday
School and Sacrament meetings. Monday was Family Home
Evening, where people get together as a family to learn the
gospel and do an activity. On Wednesdays, the kids under
twelve went to a meeting called “Primary,” where we sang
songs and learned Book of Mormon and Bible stories, and had
fun activities. Kids age 12-18 went to Young Men and Young
Women meetings (they did the same kinds of things as
Primary, but on an older level) and our moms went to Relief
Society. In Relief Society, women 18 and older learned to
do canning, quilting, take care of kids and provide help for
those in need.
In the summer families would go to
American Fork on assigned nights to pick green beans on the
church welfare farm. We had lots of fun picking beans and
playing in the rows with friends. Sometimes we would sneak
away and go to the creek that ran along the road to check
for frogs and pollywogs. We always got chased back to the
beans when they noticed us missing. Life in the church was
good, and we were all close.
Tragedy struck my family when I was ten
years old. My father was diagnosed with Cushings Syndrome
and Vasculitis, among other things caused by taking high
doses of steroids for the pain of rheumatoid arthritis.
Within a few weeks of his diagnosis, the disease had taken
over his body and he could no longer walk or feed himself.
His mind and wit were sharp as ever and he was usually
smiling, and always said “G'mornin,” no matter the time of
day. He was well known for his good nature even though he
was in constant and excruciating pain.
People in the church rallied around us
as his disease progressed. Elders would come when he was
having a crisis, anoint him with oil and bless him. As a
family we would fast and pray for him, and every time the
Lord saw fit to let him live. We saw miracle after miracle
and I learned that the Lord was always there. It was during
this time that I gained a testimony of the truthfulness of
the gospel, and cemented my belief that the LDS church was
true. I fully believed that we had a living prophet and that
Joseph Smith was chosen of God.
Eventually, even with all our prayers,
fasting and blessings, my father died on August 5, 1973 at
our home. He was 45 years old. I knew he was in heaven,
and I'd see him again. He'd done it all right according to
the church. He'd married in the Temple, gone to church, and
exercised his priesthood when he was needed. He was a good
man, and tried to set a good example for us – even going to
church in his wheelchair when he could hardly tolerate the
pain of sitting there. He always said "stay close to the
Lord and your family, it's all you really have". The bishop
said at Dad's funeral that he had been through the refiner’s
fire and would no doubt go to the Celestial Kingdom. I was
so glad to know that he was going to be there for sure.
After dad's death, my mother went to
work and did what she could to get us all raised and through
college. I was the last to finish, graduating March 17,
1982. I'm sure it was a relief for her to finally have us
through the hard part of life, at least from a parent’s
point of view.
I had been out of college for almost a
year when my husband and I met at a little care center in
Provo, Utah. He had just come home from a 2-year mission
for the church. He was a nursing assistant and I was a
charge nurse. We would hang out at our local Denny's after
working the late shift with a group of friends, and since he
didn't have a car, I'd always take him home after. We would
usually end up sitting on the hill behind Provo Temple
talking until 2 am. One night in September, we decided to
get married, and did so on January 28,1983 – right there in
the Provo Temple. We stayed active in the church and I
fulfilled various callings over the years in primary, relief
society, scouting and nursery.
In July of 1986, I found out I was
pregnant – finally, after three years of marriage. From the
beginning, I had to stay down due to constant problems. My
husband was in the Army at the time, and we were stationed
at Fort Rucker, Alabama. One night at the end of August, I
started having heart palpitations and had to go to the post
hospital’s emergency room. I was fine, but the doctors
informed me that I would need to go to Texas to see an OB
doctor and a cardiologist. We decided that I would go home
to Utah instead, and stay with my mother. That way, I could
see my own OB doctor, and go to a cardiologist I knew in
Provo. My husband and a friend gave me a priesthood
blessing and I flew home to get checked out. They found no
problems with my heart. Unfortunately, I was having more
problems with my pregnancy, and the doctor said I would have
to stay in Utah until I delivered. My husband put in for a
transfer to Fort Carson, Colorado so he would be closer to
me. He got his transfer a month later.
Within a few weeks of my arrival, my
mother got very ill. We rushed her to the hospital, and
called in the Elders to give her a blessing. We also began a
fast, and prayed for her. This time the Lord did not see
fit to grant a miracle. Mom passed away October 6, 1986 –
she was 56. I felt like the world had collapsed when she
died. And yet I felt comfort knowing she was in a better
place, and that she was with Dad. I pictured the grand
reunion she was having with Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, and all
the rest. I could picture her and Dad dancing there in
paradise like the night they met. They were married in the
Temple… all was well.
After Mom died, I stayed in her home
with my oldest sister. My husband would drive over from
Fort Carson about every six weeks and things were going well
for us. That is, until 3 am on January 12th,
when I turned over in bed and my water broke. I was six
weeks too early to have my baby. I called the doctor and he
said he'd meet me at the hospital. We drove the 30 miles to
Provo, praying all the way. I felt a calm come over me, and
just knew everything would be all right. I got to the
hospital and checked in on the labor and delivery floor.
The doctor checked me out and said he couldn't stop me if I
went into labor. He said I was not dilating or contracting,
and he wanted me to stay in the hospital until the baby
came. I had an ultrasound every other day to make sure I
still had enough amniotic fluid around the baby.
I had a priesthood blessing given by my
husband's uncle, promising me that I would deliver soon and
the baby would be healthy. This promise was fulfilled at
3:14 am on January 17th. I had a healthy baby boy weighing
in at 6 lbs 6 oz, even though he was early. All 16 ½ inches
of him was perfect – he was beautiful. I thanked the Lord a
million times a day for my baby. I believed the priesthood
was an awesome power.
By the time our son turned 10 years
old, I had two more miscarriages, and could only get
pregnant with the aid of fertility drugs. Finally, we
decided we wanted to adopt children. Our goal was to help a
sibling group stay together. We took the foster
care/adoption classes and started filling out papers,
praying that we would get the children God wanted us to
have. Before we even had all our paperwork finished, our
caseworker showed us pictures of three children: two boys,
ages 6 and 5, and a girl who was 4 years old. They looked
so familiar to us, it seemed like we knew them. This was
very important to me being LDS. I thought I maybe we had
known them in the pre-existence (the LDS Church teaches that
we were spirit children in heaven before we were joined with
our physical bodies). We arranged to meet the children and
began visiting on the weekends, 300 miles from our home. We
had fun getting to know the kids for the next six weeks, and
finally brought them home on October 18, 1997.
The most important thing on my mind
after they placed the children with us was helping them get
to know the Lord, and getting them ready to be sealed to us
in the temple. We taught them that Jesus and Heavenly Father
loved them, and we taught them how to pray. They made a lot
of progress spiritually that first year, and we started
settling into being a family – or at least trying
to. It was hard for all of us. Our three little ones were
wild and untrusting. Learning that the Lord loved them had
a calming effect on them, and they loved learning about Him.
On August 3, 1998, the judge declared
the children ours. We were so excited. Now we could have
them sealed to us and they would really be ours. We took
them to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple on August 29th, my
mother's birthday. They were so cute in their little white
suits and dress. I was so excited for this day to finally be
happening. We kneeled around the altar and could see
ourselves going on forever in the mirrors on the walls at
the ends of the altar. These mirrors were to help you see
that sealed families go on forever. The temple worker sealed
them to us as if they were born to us, “for time and all
eternity.” I was so thankful we had made it. It was truly
one of the happiest days of my life, and I thanked the Lord
for eternal families – especially mine.
Soon after the sealing of our children,
the honeymoon wore off completely for them. I guess they
knew they were staying – after all, they were sealed to us
forever – and all hell broke loose!
The children had always told bodacious
lies, but now they were outdoing themselves; telling people
they were hungry and we never fed them, stealing things from
their friends’ homes, etc. People at church were starting
to give us dirty looks and stopped talking when we walked up
to them. The Division of Child and Family Services
investigated us nine times in the next three years. Every
time, we were found innocent of any wrongdoing. Our family
had to live a very strict therapy program designed to help
the children attach and build trust. There had to be a
consequence – good or bad – for every behavior. It was a
round-the-clock job to keep on top of it. We had to ask
people not to hug the kids or give them treats, because the
therapy required that only the parents do those things. If
we let down and didn't follow through, it set the kids back.
There isn’t enough space in this article to get into all we
had to do. People didn't take kindly to what we were
asking. It made it hard at church because they always gave
treats as a reward for being reverent. Ward members acted
like we were so strict that it was abusive. No one would
take the time to understand what we had to do to help our
children. There was just no way we could explain our
situation so that members would understand what we were
going through. It was something you had to be living with;
it was just unexplainable.
We tried hard to go to all of our
church meetings and do the callings we had, and it worked
out off and on, depending on how safe our children were
feeling. At first, the bishop was good about working with
us, but in 2000 we got a new bishop who did not understand
and was unwilling to listen. We asked him for help to buy
some alarms to put outside the kids’ rooms because they
would have some aggressive behaviors during the night, and
we needed to know they were in their rooms. He turned us in
to Family Services, even though he knew we worked closely
with them. We told Family Services the problem and they
bought us the alarms.
At this point in time, my faith in our
bishop began to falter. I thought, how can this bishop
be inspired and not know we were doing what was right for
our children? I couldn't believe that he had even
prayed about our situation, because if he had, he would have
known we were being honest. I no longer had any trust or
faith in him as a bishop. It was a seed of doubt that, two
years later, reinforced other growing doubts that the church
was not true.
Things calmed down enough a short time
after this incident, and we were able to go to all of our
meetings. We did ask to be released from our church callings
so we would be available if we needed to take care of the
kids during church. It was the first time we didn't have a
job in the church in eight years.
One Sunday morning in April of 2002, my
husband and I were attending the gospel doctrine class at
our LDS ward. We were studying the Book of Mormon. I had my
book open on my lap, but I was leaning over, reading my
husband’s book over his shoulder. The teacher read a verse
and I read along, and then decided to sit up and read it
again in my own book. I read the verse and noticed it was
not the same as in my husband’s book. I jabbed him with my
elbow and showed him. He said “hmmm” and shrugged his
shoulders at me. After class he said maybe it was changed
for clarity. I said it shouldn't need to be changed – it
came straight from God. Seeing this should have raised a
red flag, but somehow I let it go for two more years.
During those two years, God was
bringing people into my life that gave me food for thought
and left me with seeds of doubt. For instance, I met a woman
at my kids’ karate studio who had left the church and was
now Christian. I asked her why she would leave the church.
She explained she couldn't believe in the same Jesus as
Mormons do. She did her best to explain, but I didn't get
it. Still, it was a seed that would help me understand
later when I heard it again.
One day, I was looking on the internet
for some good LDS sites from which to get family home
evening stories. I saw
www.mrm.org (Mormonism Research Ministry) on the list
and clicked on it. I soon noticed it was not an LDS
site, but I started reading the pages there anyway. I sort
of skimmed through them and felt a little defensive. I
looked on the list of links they had and thought, what
the heck…there is nothing wrong with looking. I saw
Contender Ministries on the list and clicked on it.
The first page on the site I looked at
was Joseph Smith’s false prophecies. I thought well this
should be good; I bet they don't have any of it right.
One of the first prophecies that caught my eye said: “It is
the will of the Lord that those who went to Zion, with a
determination to lay down their lives, if necessary, should
be ordained to the ministry, and go forth to prune the
vineyard for the last time, or the coming of the Lord, which
was nigh - even fifty-six years, should wind up the scene.”
(The History of the Church, vol II, page 182). Well that
one didn't happen. Honestly, I had never even heard that
Joseph prophesied this.
There were many more prophecies that
failed, and I tried to find a way to see them in a different
light. I hoped I would see a way for them to be fulfilled
later, but could not. As I read, I wrote down all the
references the site listed. I looked in the Doctrine and
Covenants and saw it all in context. I read the quotes in
Journal of Discourses and Church History at the public
library, all in the right context. I soon had the sickening
feeling that Joseph Smith really could have been a false
prophet. I felt like someone kicked me square in the
stomach. It was awful to think such a thing about the
prophet, and I felt guilty for even looking at the site.
Nevertheless I was in a spot now that I had to know, and
nothing could help me but to find the truth.
I read more of the Mormonism pages, and
the page titled, “Questions Every Mormon Should Ask
Themselves” really bothered me. I decided I could answer
all those questions and email it back to them. I read the
first three questions:
1. If Gods
are individuals who have passed through mortality and have
progressed to Godhood, how has one person of the Trinity
(the Holy Spirit) attained Godhood without getting a body?
(See Acts 5:3,4)
2. If Gods
are individuals who have passed through an earth life to
attain Godhood, how is it that one person of the Trinity
(Jesus Christ) was God before He received a body or passed
through earth life? (Matt. 1:23 and Hebrews 10:5)
3. If the
Book of Mormon really contains the fullness of the Gospel,
why does it not teach the doctrine of “eternal
progression”? (See D&C 20:8,9)
I couldn't believe I was totally
stumped! I just couldn't answer the questions. I was
getting worried now. I even asked other members of the
church, and no one could come up with anything. I did get a
few responses along the lines of, "God is God and He can do
what He wants to, and allow what He wants to allow". I was
not satisfied.
I began posting on the Contender
Ministries forums. One of the owners of the site, Ben Rast,
emailed me and offered to answer any questions he could for
me. He also said he and his wife Jennifer would pray for
me. I was glad to know that there was someone that would go
through all the questions I had. I'm not sure he was ready
for me to send so many, but he was always willing to send me
an answer.
Ben and Jen also sent me a book called
Answering Mormons' Questions by Bill McKeever. I
read it as soon as I got home from the mailbox. I couldn't
get information fast enough. This book gave me answers to
questions that I had about the Bible, and explained how it
was God’s Word. It also told me who Adam really was, and
that he was not Michael the Archangel, or the Ancient of
Days, but that he was just the first man God created. I was
shocked to hear this because I had been taught that Adam was
Michael the Archangel and that he was with God in the
preexistence. I believed that he helped Jesus create the
world. Ben expanded on the book’s topics and I started to
see how LDS beliefs were completely different than what the
Bible taught about God, marriage, families etc. Still I
clung to my LDS beliefs, not ready to say it was all false.
I still felt that there had to be an explanation for the
things I was seeing. I was very confused but kept looking
for answers no matter how discouraged I became. Ben and Jen
sent a couple more books called Mormonism 101 and
Out of Mormonism. I read them as fast as I could, and
kept asking questions.
I studied and prayed constantly. It was
in this early time of study I decided to say the sinner’s
prayer and ask the Lord to lead my life. I didn't even know
anymore, who or what I believed God was. So I kneeled and
confessed I was a sinner. I ask Him to forgive me for my
sins, and come into my life, and lead me to the truth, no
matter who or what He was, and no matter if the LDS church
was true or the Christian beliefs – I just wanted to know
the truth. I poured out my heart to God and told Him I
didn't want to make a mistake and be led astray, and asked
Him to please just help me. I was absolutely horrified at
the thought of making a mistake about the Mormon church and
becoming a “Son of Perdition,” which is what they teach
would happen if I left Mormonism.
Saying the sinner’s prayer and being
saved opened up a whole new understanding for me. It was as
if someone switched on a light and I could see. Still, fear
would grip me, and I would cry if I even thought of the
church. Even so, the Lord was working in my life. Things
began to change almost from the moment I prayed. The Holy
Spirit was teaching me and I had a thirst for the Bible I
had never had before. It also brought an understanding of
the scriptures I had never had. I was still reading
everything I could find about the LDS Church on the
internet and from the library. I felt like I had to get
most of my information from church sources or I would end up
still wondering if I had given it a fair shot.
Although things were changing for me,
and in me, I was still very confused and unsure of where it
was all leading. Ben and Jen suggested I read Beyond
Mormonism – An Elder’s Story by James R. Spencer online,
and gave me the link. I sat and read it start to finish
without a break. I cried as I read it. I thought, this
man is so strong. He risked his family for Christ, and
he was rewarded for his faith. Could I do that? I didn't
think so; in fact, it made me nervous thinking about it. So
far my husband had been supportive of me asking questions
and studying it all out, but I wasn't sure what would happen
if I actually decided to leave the church.
During this time I decided it would be
a good time to try going to a Christian church. I logged on
to the Contender Ministries forums, posted the names of the
churches in my area, and Ben and Jen helped me decide on
Calvary Chapel Cedar City. I was really nervous to go, but
my husband came with me and encouraged me to get out of the
car and go in. I had been worried someone from our LDS ward
would see us. My husband said, "Just get out and go in.
It's all right to see how other people worship". The kids
came with us as well, and it turned out to be very welcoming
and nice. We decided we would go there along with going to
our LDS ward on Sunday, and also attended the Thursday night
Bible study.
The Pastor's wife was really good to
talk to me one-on-one after Bible study, and answer my
questions. She would also pray with me, which was a new
experience. That helped me to trust the Lord more and more.
I was impressed with how she trusted the Lord and expected
Him to answer, like she had a real relationship with Him. I
noticed the same in the other women of the group as well. I
wanted to have that relationship with the Lord too. It was
great for me to experience the love at Calvary Chapel, and
also to compare the worship of that church to the LDS
church. Worship is so different and bold in the Christian
churches compared to the LDS church. I was growing more and
more spiritually every day, and attending this church helped
me begin to learn more of the Bible and grow in the Lord.
The Rasts suggested I write to Jim
Spencer, since he was an ex-Mormon. I thought about it, and
finally went to the mazeministry.com site and read the
information. Jim has a “Book of Mormon Comparison Machine”
there. I went through it and couldn't believe how much the
Book of Mormon had been changed. Some changes were so
drastic that it changed the meaning of the verse
completely! Some of the changes that bothered me the most
were the verses like 1 Nephi 11:21, where it was changed
from reading,
"And the angel said unto me, behold the Lamb of God, yea,
even the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the
tree which thy father saw?" (original 1830 version) to,
"And the angel said
unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of
the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree
which thy father saw?" (my 1992 edition).
It sent my head spinning! I couldn't
believe the church leaders would mess with the Book of
Mormon. Who did they think they were to change things God
had given directly to His prophet? I thought back to that
day in Gospel doctrine class when I saw the difference in my
husbands Book of Mormon and my own. It was sinking in now
that perhaps the Book of Mormon was not what it was
represented to be. Little did I know that Joseph himself
had changed some of it when he started to preach that men
could become gods, and that the Godhead was three separate
gods. I would learn much more in the coming months that
would put any hope of the church being true to rest. I
decided to talk to Jim Spencer and sent him an email.
The first questions I asked were about
eternal progression. What will we do in heaven for
eternity? I told him I thought eternal progression was the
answer. Mormonism says that we will progress until we
eventually create our own worlds and become gods of those
worlds. I just couldn't accept us simply singing praises
and sitting around talking to each other for eons as the
answer. Jim said the LDS concept of God did not make sense,
since to become a god a person must live on a world and
progress to godhood. He asked the same question Ben had
asked, “Where did the first god come from if this is how one
became a god?” He referred me to chapter eight of his book,
Have You Witnessed to a Mormon Lately? He states
"God cannot have had a grandfather. Nothing can predate Him.
Any being predating Him would Himself be God. God
must be the Being beyond which no greater can be imagined.
If something is bigger than your god, you are worshipping a
demi-god. When you do come to God, He stands alone. There
is none like Him. We can never stress that too strongly.
That is why God makes this concept the First Commandment:
‘Thou shalt have no other gods beside me.’ That is the
foundational revelation of God: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord,
our God, the Lord is one’ (Deuteronomy 6:4)."
Ben and Jen had been giving me verses
from the Bible that showed that God was not an exalted man,
and now it was really sinking in. Seeing the way Jim stated
that "God cannot have a grandfather" just made the LDS
belief in God being an exalted man seem silly. That is the
only way to describe it. He also said God, angels, and men,
were different.
I searched LDS doctrine for a belief
that there was, in fact, that invisible God who spoke
everything into existence, thinking perhaps eternal
progression was given to us by Him. I searched the teachings
of Joseph Smith and found only more confusion on the subject
of the Nature of God, angels, and man, things such as
- Joseph Smith declared, "God himself was once as we are
now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder
heavens!" (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pg.
345).
- Mormon Apostle John Widtsoe stated, "God and man are
of the same race, differing only in their degrees of
advancement" (Gospel Through the Ages, pg. 107).
- This concurs with Mormon Apostle Parley P. Pratt's
comment which states, "God, angels, and men are all of the
same species, one race, one great family..." (Key to the
Science of Theology, 1978 ed., pg. 21).
Yet the Bible agreed with what Jim had told me, that God,
angels and man are different beings. Revelation chapters
four through seven is a lengthy passage showing that angels
are not the only creation in heaven. Those that appear in
this single passage include the following:
·
Twenty-four elders (chapter 4, verse 4).
·
Four living creatures (chapter 4, verse 6),
whose descriptions are similar to the cherubim by God’s
throne in Ezekiel chapter 10.
·
A “strong angel” (chapter 5, verse 2).
·
Jesus Christ (chapter 5, verses 5-10 obviously
refers to Jesus, though He is creator rather than created).
·
Tens of thousands of angels (chapter 5, verse
11).
·
“The souls of those who had been slain for the
word of God and for the testimony which they held” (chapter
6, verses 9-11). It is clear that these are human martyrs
who died for the cause of Christianity (and also clear that
more will be joining them).
·
“A great multitude which no one could number,
of all nations, tribes, peoples, and tongues” (chapter 7,
verses 9 and 10).
Notice that not everyone is an angel,
although everyone is by the throne of God in heaven. Reading
this passage, you also discover that although white robes
were given to the martyrs (chapter 6, verse 11) that there
is no description here (or anywhere else) of anyone being
changed into an angel after they go to heaven. People and
angels are different here on Earth, and they remain
different in heaven.
The LDS prophet and apostles were wrong
according to the Bible. I kept vacillating between LDS
doctrine and Christian doctrine. I thought I was going
crazy. I continually cried to the Lord for help and
clarification. I felt as if I were on a rollercoaster
through hell.
I had so many questions and I felt as
if I needed them answered all at once. I read until my eyes
were sore every day. I prayed all day long and when I would
wake up in the night. I read the Bible everyday and ask
more questions. I asked Ben and Jen about Temple marriage
and why Christians didn't believe in it. They showed me
Matthew 22:30, “For in the resurrection they neither marry
nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.”
Ben explained that it meant there won't be marriage in
heaven. I still thought there might be a chance there was,
since the marriage had already been performed on earth. I
wrote to Jim and ask him if there was any possibility of the
LDS view being right. He said no and asked me, "What
if you are sealed in the Temple and then your child turns
away from the church and is a blasphemer and murderer? Where
will your child be? He sure won't be in the Celestial
Kingdom with you. So what good was the sealing"? I thought
long and hard about that one. I was sick about it.
While I was on the computer at the
public library one day, I read Mormonism’s Temple of Doom,
by Bill Schnoebelen and Jim Spencer. I had been heavy into
New Age healing, and energy and light work, so this book had
a real affect on me. As I read the information on the
tokens of the priesthood it gave me chills. These paragraphs
set it firmly in my heart that the temple rites were not of
God:
"The Sign of the Nail activates a point said in
acupuncture to alleviate the symptoms of convulsions,
hiccough and insanity. In the Craft this grip was regarded
as powerful enough to stimulate the blind rage necessary
to work real black magick.
“The Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, or Sure
Sign of the Nail, applies pressure to a point on the
meridian which pertains to sex and circulation. The meridian
runs up the right arm and over the shoulder, to arrive at
the nipple – the precise anatomical spot where the Masonic
square is stitched on the temple garment…. The meridian
travels down still further and terminates at the navel – the
place where the other mark is stitched on the garment.
“The whole thing falls together incredibly well: the
magickal marks on the garment are held together by a subtle
occult web of sexual energy which is activated by pressure
from the two highest grips in the LDS temple endowment!
“The meridian activated by the Melchizedek grips is
classified by the Chinese as Yang – fiery hot and masculine
– which fits perfectly with the character of Lucifer as a
solar-phallic god.”
As I read this, my whole world just
crumbled right there in front of everyone. I began to sob
uncontrollably, and had to get up and leave the library. I
went to my sister-in-law’s house and talked to her and cried
and cried. It just all washed over me what we had actually
taken upon ourselves in the temple, and it extended to our
children and maybe beyond. I was terrified at the prospect
of what we had done. I went home and cried some more. That
night I had nightmare after nightmare. I still wore my
temple garments because I had decided not to take them off
until I knew for sure if the church was true or not. Now I
felt uncomfortable wearing them. It took two more weeks for
me to take them off for good. The fear was so strong it was
a hard thing to do, even knowing the truth. The nightmares
continued off and on for a few weeks. Finally I prayed and
told God that I was sorry I went to the temple, and
renounced it all. The nightmares stopped after that.
I still had times when I was gripped by
a strong fear but I would pray my way through it. Jim called
one night when I was having a particularly bad time of it
and prayed for me. He prayed the blood of Christ over my
home and me, and dismissed the devil. Things were much
better after that and I finally had peace.
One day while I was sitting in church,
the Lord knew I had had enough of the ride and He put it all
together for me. Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote
to Jim Spencer about it, "Then Pastor Joe starts getting
into Romans 3. I was thinking yeah no one's good enough
and thank goodness for Jesus - and then he started on
verse 20. By the time he got to 31, I was almost ready to
sob, but I held it back. I had just realized the depth of my
stupidity and mistrust. God saved me for real! Even me, who
can never be enough or do enough to be worthy. I said to
myself I know I got saved, but the Lord said you
didn't trust me to have saved you, you doubted me. All
I could say was I'm sorry Lord I'm sorry I'll trust you
now. I felt so convicted. To think I didn't even trust
Him - didn't even realize it either." Another weight was
lifted and I felt forgiven! Not only had I learned to trust
in Him – I now felt that I could trust others more.
The Holy Spirit worked in me to lift
the terrible depression and slow down the emotional
rollercoaster I was on. I learned through Him that all the
spiritual experiences I had with my parents and others had
nothing to do with the Mormon Priesthood "power". It was
all God, plain and simple. He answered our prayers because
He knew we had faith and we had asked. God should be given
the glory and honor, not the LDS Priesthood. Over and over
He showed us He was there, and we didn't really give Him the
glory. We constantly bore testimony – not of God healing –
but of His priesthood healing. The glory for all the
wonderful miracles in my life must be given to God and I now
praise Him for those blessings in my life, past and present.
I am now truly saved by His Grace. I
am happier than I can ever remember being! All that was
taken from me through depression and self-deprecation has
been returned to me by the Lord. It feels good not to live
with guilt and fear constantly. I finally feel right with
God and I know He is always there for me.
All four of my children have come to
the Lord as well, and the changes that have taken place in
them are nothing short of a miracle. Life is so much better
for us all. We are still praying for my husband to see the
truth, and I believe the Lord is leading him. I also thank
the Lord daily that my husband would stick by me through all
of this, as many LDS men would not.
To all of you out there struggling with
this kind of choice: listen to the Holy Spirit, and invite
the Lord to lead your life. This simple thing will open up
a new and clearer understanding of the scriptures. It will
also help you be what God wants you to be – happy. He
didn't put us here to be full of sorrow and grief or to be
weighted down by laws so strict as to bind one's progress
and plunge them into guilt and depression. You can’t be good
enough on your own, but God loves you just as you are right
this minute. He accepts you and loves you and died to save
you. Take His offer of love and be free from the bondage of
Mormonism or whatever is holding you back. As Jim Spencer
always says, "There were no Nephites and there is
life after Mormonism".
Christians, be patient. Don't ever lose
faith that the Lord can lead. The people coming out of these
types of religions/cults are in pain and have fear that you
may not be able to understand. Pray for them, and for
yourself to be strong in the Lord so you can help. If not,
they will go their own way and perhaps leave God completely
because they can no longer trust.
I want to thank Ben and Jen Rast and
Jim Spencer for their patience and perseverance. I am one
who would have tossed the whole thing if not for them and
their willingness to stay with me no matter how long it
took. I pray daily for their ministries; that the Lord will
pour out on them blessings they can hardly receive, and for
their health and strength to continue in the Lord’s work. |